Well hello there.
I see you've caught me standing near my tiny, less talented friend Wayne Rooney. You're probably wondering why I would risk the possibility of his inferior skills being contagious and jumping from his pale body to the Premier League's top erotic scorer. ... No, not Carlos Tevez. I'm talking about me. ... Oh. Well. I didn't realize you were being sarcastic. Ha-HA!
Anyway, this was another difficult weekend for the devilish Berba-boys of Manchester United. On the trip to whatever Liverpool call their stadium, I decided I would withhold my Berba-bilities from this match to allow Wayne the opportunity to pretend he is as good as me like he did against Manchester City. ... Why yes, I do think that was a reasonable and, dare I say, steamy strategy for such a big match. Unfortunately, Wayne wasn't able to do that again and so we had to rely on my protege Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba to prevent a clean sheet.
Yes, I know I haven't scored in my last seven matches, but with all the decidedly unsexy dangers on the pitch Sunday, there really is no way I could have done anything besides titillate all the drooling Berba-beauties like yourself with my expert touch and perfectly receding widow's peak. ... No, I wasn't implying that there's something tragically wrong with your motor skills. But between James Carragher's violent tackles, van der Sar's flying elbows and the freakouts of the boy who always tries to trick me into thinking he has a twin brother on the team, there could have been something wrong with The Berba's if I wasn't so careful to protect this body that you so desire. Ha-HA!
Oh-OHHH! Sir Alex just came out of nowhere and hit me with what felt like a hairdryer wrapped in barbed wire! Oh, he warned us not to speak to anyone, but I didn't think he would hear my sensual whispers from under your bed! Oh, I think my head is bleeding! Please...go to the Internet and post a poor quality photo that makes my wound look as bad as possible in order to garner sympathy for me.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
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